He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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