Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
