i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
