We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
