apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
