I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
