I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
