Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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