I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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