brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
