Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
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