You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
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I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
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Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
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