I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
