That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
