shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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