i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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