Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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