just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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