I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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