At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
