I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
