Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
