I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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