No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
