you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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