the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
