Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
