I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
