I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
