Cold hands, warm shart.
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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