He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
