I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
