I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Enjoy the penises
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
