Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
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can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
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