Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
