I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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