my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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