I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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