Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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