I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
