just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
