Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
