I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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