I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
two words...techno handjob
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just high enough for therapy.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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