If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
