I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
