I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
