guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My dick has a subreddit
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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