My liver just broke up with me...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
