honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
