i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
