I just saw a hot homeless man
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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