You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
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well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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