I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
