today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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