its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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