Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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